Yes, watching someone die can cause PTSD. PTSD, or post traumatic stress disorder, can develop after vicarious trauma. With vicarious trauma, you can experience and feel the trauma and painful experiences by just watching someone else go through it. So if you watch someone you love die and if you develop PTSD, then you continue to re-experience the trauma and all the distress and feelings associated with it even when your loved one has long since passed away.
When you are exposed to any life-threatening trauma, the risk of developing PTSD is 9.2%. When you are exposed to life-threatening violence, then your risk of developing PTSD is 20.9%, the highest risk among all the traumas. If you witness the sudden death of a loved one, then your risk of developing PTSD is moderate, with 14.3% eventually developing PTSD (Breslau et al., 1998). In this study, it did find that the most common trauma exposure was witnessing the unexpected death of a loved one, with 60% of the sample experiencing it. In addition, witnessing the sudden death of a loved one accounted for 31% of all PTSD cases (Breslau et al., 1998).
As studies illustrate, watching someone die can cause PTSD. And this is especially true if you watch someone you love die unexpectedly. This might be exacerbated by guilt feelings that come up about the deceased loved one, such as not being able to say goodbye, not being able to have closure with previous disagreements or conflicts, or not being able to tell your loved one how you really feel about them. So this inability to have closure may in itself be distressing and a source of much guilt and regret.
If you have watched someone die, it is important to talk with a mental health professional and also your support network (family, friends) to work it through and bolster your coping skills.
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I watched my Mum die in November 2016. She was in a hospice; terminally ill with a brain tumour, that devoured her cognitive skills and her mobility, until there was just a mute person left. She could no longer swallow and slowly starved to death, amongst becoming de-hydrated. It took 6 weeks.
I became numb at this point. In a world of surreality – that it wasn’t really happening, and that I would wake to find it was just a bad dream.
2 days before she died, she desperately blurted, ‘I am going to die,’ for she was scared and didn’t want to leave us 4 children.
We re-assured her that we loved her, and that she needn’t worry anymore, That she didn’t have to worry about us anymore as we were all grown up.
Her death was drawn out and long, as she fought desperately to stay. I will never forget her laboured breaths, and the sheer strength of her, as she battled to be with us. I feel ashamed that I couldn’t save her.
The hardest part of losing her was the inhumane suffering she went through during the dying process. Her original cries of being hungry or thirsty, yet she could no longer swallow.
I have 4 children myself, and vow never to let them witness death with me in this way. I will be humanely euthanised; to alleviate any pain for my children, so they don’t carry the same trauma through the rest of their lives
I’m sorry to hear of your loss and the trauma of witnessing it. I applaud you for thinking about your children, so that they do not have to go through the same tragic situation.
Oh how it helps to hear your story. I went through something similar and I can’t get over it. I am so sad and upset. You’re not alone. I also plan to make this easy on my child. I hope I can. I am so sorry for us both.
Sorry for your loss, Greg, and thanks for sharing.
When i was a year old my mom abandoned me at my grandparents house and never returned then in 2005 when i was 4 years old i witnesed the murder of my grand parents i vaguely remember my grandmother putting me down for a nap and her telling me that she loved me and would come and get me in a few hours she never did. A few moments later three robbers broke into the house and shot them through the chest. i vaguely remember standing in a pool of her blood while she lay lifeless at my feet and my great grandmother coming amber pulling me out of the hall way and pool of blood. I remember at that moment when they gun went off my life changed forever. I went to a family friend and lived with them for a while but ultimately she couldn’t take care of me and she had to give me up to a foster family when they couldn’t take care of me I was taken to another family then and other until finally my great grandmother took me in when i was 5.
Wow Tiya, that is a heart-breaking story, and I’m sorry you were traumatized at such a young age. I hope you are able to find the support you need to work through this.
Your experience could almost be my own. It’s taken 13 months of almost numbness since losing my dad to even think about the weeks leading up to his death. He also could not speak or swallow,battled to stay and cried out he was going to die. He desperately wanted to stay. His death wasn’t traumatic but the whole lead up to it was.
Sorry for your loss, Joanna.
I lost my younger sister three days ago, and she died a very ugly death.She was gasping like a fish out of water, and was bleeding out ,so blood was coming from her mouth and nose.She had cirrhosis. I put on gloves, and mopped it off of her face all day long.She had a death rattle and she fought so hard for every last breathe.I sang her out of the World, and during her last breath, she looked distorted and her face was purple.After she was cleaned up and posed with her hands over her ribs, we went back in and her face was smooth and looked so extremely peaceful and like it was made of wax.Her jaundiced skin didn’t even look that bad.My problem is that I can’t get that last few horrible struggles for breath out of my mind.I keep having flashbacks.I have had anxiety disorder in the past.I wanted to sit it out because I was afraid of the anxiety taking over, but my need to hold her hand was so much stronger. Her husband is having a funeral for her, even though she didn’t want one, and I am struggling with that. His family also wants me to sing at her funeral.I just sang at my nephew(her 22 year old son who committed suicide)20 months ago.Soooo, just writing this out, makes me see that I need professional grief counseling…whew…
Dear Carolyn, I’m sorry for your loss. Yes, please see a therapist as soon as possible. With regards to the funeral, they are a way for loved ones to grieve.
I witnessed my mother die in a similar way in May. I found this post while researching PTSD after witnessing variceal bleeding.
I’m so sorry for your loss, and for the memories that come with it. I have been diagnosed with PTSD because of this, I’ve been getting treatment, but I’m still having a hard time.
I hope you are well, if you would ever like to talk, please let me know ❤️
Thanks for sharing Kelsey.
I was heading to work in day which is within 2 blocks of a friends house which is a friend of my husbands and mine, he was battling cancer for 5 yrs.
This particular day was nearing the end for him and we knew he was bad but he was still at home.
That morning he sent a odd mixed up text to my phone, I called him he was breathing shallow, hard, couldn’t understand him so said I’ll stop by as it’s on my way, my husband is a long haul truck driver and wouldn’t be back till next day. When I walked in he looked aweful, could hardly talk, he walked to sofa and then took last breath, I said repeatedly you need to call your wife at work to return home, she had left hr b4..he died right there, I called 911, started CPR..after all this yr later my husband holds a grudge against me cause I was there and not him, basically in front of my adult kids at a family vac joking one of our kids weren’t his and was a affair with him…the emotional toll of seeing him die is horrible and this is issue my husband is stirring up makes it more horrible, what do I say to get him to quit this, why would he do such a aweful thing?
Vickie, I’m sorry that you had to endure the death of a friend. Please see your doctor, for a possible referral to a counselor. In the meantime, your husband may need his own counseling, but it does not excuse him to lay blame on you.
Dr. Carlo
Was looking online on how to help my boyfriend who did CPR on his wife 3 times to bring her back he did but she had a severe bleeding in brain and other health problems of kidney and heart failure that a machine kept her alive, she was constantly hospitalized and he took care of her for many years. one of her siblings went behind his back and got approved to unplug her and he found out a day prior to her passing til this day he struggles and feels guilty about not being able to stop it. at times he sees flashbacks when he tried bringing her back. I’m trying to be supportive but I don’t have the experience to help him. How can I help him? Neither of us can afford to seek for counseling.
I’m sorry for your boyfriend’s suffering. Unfortunately, PTSD needs professional help, as self-help for this is not effective. Please have your boyfriend talk with his doctor as a start to getting help. In the meantime, you can visit anxietyboss.com to find out all there is to know about PTSD and other anxiety disorders. Good luck.
I was one of the caretakers for my grandma with terminal advanced stage breast cancer. Her ending was awful. A month later my grandpa had advanced state of prostates cancer. He broke his hip and and they made him do the hip replacement operation. That put him in extreme pain. We had week to days before he passed. He was so difficult to calm down. After they passed, I returned home. I stay on the couch. I have been isolating in my room, I can’t leave the house. I have nightmares of being at the deathbed with them dying. I just feel dead and so scared of losing others I love close to me. Some say it’s PSTD. I haven’t seek help since I figure once my body and mind process this, I’ll feel better again? I don’t feel like myself anymore.
I’m sorry to hear of your loss. I highly suggest you speak with your doctor about this.
On January 5th of this year, my husband and I got up at 8:00 a.m. to get ready for a doctor’s appointment (we had bronchitis). I needed to wash a load of laundry that I as going to hang up, I got done a bit early and my hubby asked if I’d watch some TV with him. I looked at the clock, it was 8:30 a.m. and was pleased I had a half hour till the laundry was done and we could then dress and leave by 9:30 a.m. As soon as I sat down, my husband said “That pain is back”. The night before, for about 2 minutes, he had pain in his right chest. It was not severe and he had just eaten a snack…he tended to eat fast and thought it was indigestion. Before I could get him any medication, it was gone. I had a weird/bad feeling when he mentioned it was back, I am a nurse although not working but it just didn’t set well with me. He asked if I thought it was still the food, I asked if he had any pain during the night or if he had eaten that morning and he replied “No” to both. My thought was heart attack but he looked fine so I casually I asked if the pain was radiating to neck, other parts of chest or back/jaw. He said “No, it is not bad just bugging me”. So I told him when we saw the doctor at 10:00 a.m. we would ask him about it and we turned back to the TV. In less than 30 seconds I heard him calmly say “I think you better call 911”. I spun around and he had lost all color in his face, was gripping the arms of the chair then slid back non-responsive. As I got out of the chair, I felt panic as I called his name but told myself to think like a nurse and not a wife as I knew I had to call 911 but wanted to assess him as I knew they’d want to know if he responded to voice, touch, had a pulse and was breathing. When I put my hand on his chest, sweat soaked up through his t-shirt, he did not respond, he had a pulse and was breathing. As I headed to get the cordless phone, he started having convulsions and I felt confused as it was not like a grand mal or petite mal seizure. I was by his side and monitoring him while on with 911, a police woman was first to respond and she stayed on his other side and asked me questions. He still had a pulse and was breathing but non-responsive still and the convulsions stopped. I tried to hold out hope but in my heart I knew this as bad. We had left the front door open and the officer said the EMTs arrived, as she stood up I saw their shadows and checked one last time and everything had stopped so I stood up and said “He just went into a full respiratory and cardiac arrest”. They ran over, quickly assessed him and put him on our tile floor (I put a blanket under his head) and started CPR. At this point, I lost it and started crying and the officer grabbed me and spun me around. She tried to keep me busy by having me get his medical cards, my purse, have me dress but I was able to see and hear what was going on. When they gave an IV med, I’d hear “No response” and then they started cardioversion and as I came back out from dressing saw him getting shocked and each time no response. So they said he had to go to ER, the police woman wanted to drive me but I promised her I was okay to drive and I had called my BIL and he was going to meet me at ER. When I got there and told the girl at the desk who I was, she didn’t want to look at me but said someone was coming out to take me “to a room”, I knew what that meant and backed up in horror. I started crying and everyone in ER got quiet, I guess they realized how severe the situation was. I got taken back by a social worker before my BIL got there and she said she had to tell me something and I told her “I already know, he didn’t make it”. She gave condolences then my BIL came around the corner and when he saw me he begged me to tell him his brother was okay but I couldn’t. It was surreal and I kept thinking I’m having a nightmare but I knew I wasn’t. The ER doctor in charge came in, he gave condolences and said my husband had had a widowmaker heart attack with ventricular fibrillation and they had shocked him 3 more times at the hospital with no response so there was nothing more they could do. I asked when the code was called and he said “9:07 a.m.” I had heard life could change in an instant and I lived it that day, an hour and seven minutes after waking I was a widow. The social worker said I probably would have PTSD and I feel I do. I was able to stay with him (and his BIL, too) for 2 hours till our mortuary came for him. I have tied one-on-one counseling and didn’t feel it did any good. I also go to Grief and Widow groups through our local hospice bereavement center and that helps me more. But I still have a lot of panic and flashbacks, even being a nurse and seeing many things you never want to see your loved one being worked on and not responding and also it coming out-of-the-blue as he had never been sick or had heart problems. So I cry when I need to but try not to get “stuck”. I feel Blessed we had almost 32 years together but 7 months later I cannot go to his grave (I do have pictures up and talk to those if I need to). I know grief has to run its course and my doctor said it can take 2 years or longer so I try to do my best every day, some better than others. Thank you for listening.
Reading all that was very difficult, and I’m sorry you had to go through it. My condolences for your loss, and hope you can find a supportive group who can help you with your grief.
This very same thing happened to me a year ago. It was so traumatic. He was only 45 and seemingly healthy. The worst part is knowing he died in pain, and that he was scared. I could see it in his face in the few minutes it took and there was absolutely nothing I could do. Tried CPR, but the widow Maker got us as well. He was right in the middle of a sentence. Only symptoms he had mentioned earlier was his ” lungs hurt”, he said. But he seemed ok and had went to work, then came home and said he was sweaty and his skin was cold. He said he didn’t think it was a heart attack because he didn’t have pain going down his arm, said both his arms and legs felt funny. It was all over from there and all I could do was watch him violently die. I have been on meds for depression and anxiety for PTSD for a few months now, helps slightly. Everytime I roll over in bed I see him dying again as that is where it happened. I wish for you comfort and peace, as much as possible. Thank you for sharing.
Sorry for your loss…it’s difficult just reading about it. Thank you for your share, and may you find comfort in those you reach out.
I am truely sorry for your grief. In March of 2017 I watched my fiance that I had been with for 10 years struggle considerably just to take a short breath. He already was diagnosed with chronic COPD to both lungs was hospitalized 1/06/17 placed in icu where they induced him into a coma for over 2 weeks. When they woke him up he had became guadropalegic no use of hands ,arms or legs. I had to feed ,bathe ,get and hold his drinks ,pick him up and place him in a wheelchair to go see his drs. as well as place him on a bed pan and clean him up. His condition worsened because they thought he had breathed particles from black mold inside the apartment. He actually cried not wanting to return there. Although we didn’t. We staid in 2 different hospitals from January until he passed in march. I was right there for 3 months sleeping in chairs but I wasn’t going to leave my soulmate alone. When he inhaled his last breath all shot up on morphine when he exhaled he whispered “I love you” and was gone. I relive it almost daily. Wondering did I do enough.?!! The bad thing is we were to be married the next day!!!! Anita
Sorry for your loss, Anita, and hope you are able to get support to work through this. Thanks for sharing.
Sorry for the typos in the first one!
No worries…thanks for sharing.
My husband passed away suddenly on March 28th 2017. My three children and I watched in disbelief as he was taking his last breaths because I could not roll him over to give cpr I was screaming at him and the 911 operator to help us. It’s something that I replay over and over in my head every night never stops
I’m sorry for your loss…please speak with your doctor or a counselor to address the traumatic recollections of the event.
hi all img oing thru same thing dads dying watching him every day last few weeks I see a expert whos get me thru it watching them die is so painfuyl I feel ur pain xx
Hang in there darren…hope you can find a group of supportive people to help you through this.
My world forever changed on 8/14/2006. I had spent the morning on the phone with my Dad. He said he wasnt feeling good, he was going to lay down, and he would call me when he got up. He was a trucker and several hundred miles away from home and i asked if i would run to town and pay his phone bill. This was at about 8:30am. About 1pm i loaded up my two little boys to go pay Grampys phone bill. It was almost 2pm when we got back. With the windows open in the house, i could hear my phone ringing. I did my best to get out the 5 yr old and unstrap the 2yr old. Went running to the house, thru 3 doors and two flights of steps as fast as i could. When i picked up, all i heard was dial tone. Looked at the caller id, and it was my Dad. I tried calling him constantly all day and couldnt get ahold of him. The last time i called him was 10:15pm. I got the call at 10:30pm that he was dead. I hate myself fir missing that call. The guilt is about enough to kill a person. I looked at his phone records, and i was the last call he ever made, AND I WASNT THERE FOR HIM! Seriously, what kind of daughter misses the most important phone call ever from her Dad? He died of a left sided myocardial infarction.
If that wasnt enough to drive me to crazy town, 4 years ago my stedad passed. Mom called and said meet her in town, something happened to Kev. I asked her what and all she could say is that he was mid-sentence and tipped over backwards. I met her in town, and shortly later the chopper came. As i held my sobbing Mom, I kept her turned away from the ambulance. I watch thru the back window. You could see his boots flopping side to side from compressions. You could see every time they shocked him. I knew in my heart it wasnt good when they didnt just put him in the chopper and fly away. Then the chopper shut off. I did my best to keep Mom calm, they just want ti make sure hes okay before they take off…..was all i could think of to say. Time seemed to stand still. Finally the flight nurse came out. She said they have been working on Kev for 45 minutes, did we want them to keep going. I shook my head no. Then she said ma’am i am sorry to tell yiu that your husband is dead. My Mom collapsed and i just held her. Told her it would be okay knowing darn well that it wouldnt. The nurse came back out and said we could go say goodbye if we wanted. Mom just said you go. So I did. The nurse said there were tubes, and iv’s and brusing on his chest from cpr. I put in a stone face and said i git this. I got in there, and he was black/purple from his collar bone up, but the rest if him was still white. I grabbed his still warm hand and kissed his forehead.
To this day, both of them come back as nightmares. Still dealing with complicated grief and ptsd. Sime days i just want to look up and say really?? are you fricken kidding me?? I am only a shell of the person i once was. When i see a chopper and hear sirens, it takes me back to both days and i lose it. Makes me winder what i ever did to be tormented like this fir the rest of my life. I just dont get it.
Sorry for your loses. You may be suffering from PTSD, so please see your doctor about treatment.
I lost my mum two years ago now….every day seems to get harder… Mum was unwell for about a month before she let me take her to hospital.. When I did she went even more down hill.
Mum spent at least 6 weeks in hospital I was there every day bar one when I was ill. My mum had cirrhosis and C. Diff. Mum’s breathing got really bad I told nurses she needed oxygen mask and they really delayed giving her one…. They sent her down to have x ray when she came out the room her oxygen tank was empty and my mum was struggling to breath after this things went bad… Mum got taken to a ward and doctors took me into a room and explained mum needed to be put on life support her body is shutting down… They asked my mum if she wanted to be resuscitated which she said yes yes yes and looked at me….. So mum went up to icu last I saw my mum that day was her really struggling to breath and gasping for air.. Doctors said there was nothing I could do so go home.
I got a phone call about 2am saying my mum had stopped responding to the machines and things didn’t look good I rushed back to the hospital and watched all the machines telling me she was leaving me…. The doctors tool me in a room and said they can’t do any more her and I need to say goodbye. My heart is broken my best friend is leaving me….. I go back in to see my mum tubes everywhere but I look past this and hold her hand tightly tell her I love her so much as the nurse switches off all the machines my mum seemed to come round eyes wide open I’m screaming mum mum can you hear me no response I look at the nurse and she says it’s just what happens….. She’s gone now. I sat with my mum for I don’t know how long. Talked to her and sang her Dolly Parton songs. Two years on and I’m so broke I’m a totally different person miss her dearly and I’m so lonely without her.
Sorry this is so long it’s the first time I have written/spoken about all this. My thoughts are with anyone who has lost a loved one x
Thanks for sharing Louise, and condolences for your loss.
I would like to make this brief as possible as right now I feel very ill from anxiety. I have been referred for ptsd. Seven years ago my partner died suddenly in my arms from epiglottitus. I was six weeks pregnant at the time and already vulnerable from two miscarriages earlier that year. I’ve never grieved. I couldn’t do counselling. It made me feel trapped and so ill. I’ve lost who I am. I can’t retain information or enjoy life anymore even though I try. I feel so guilty that my little girl sees an explosive emotional mother whose always tired and stressed and some days unable to motivate. I am unaware of what treatment can help me but I want the old me back again so I can be everything my little girl deserves.
Sorry for your loss. Now that you are being referred for treatment, please follow the recommendations of your psychiatrist, as there are effective treatment options for PTSD.
Hi, i stumbled upon this website and thought talking might help. I’m 16 right now, but this occurred when i was 15. My dad had not been feeling well cor almost a year, yet i never told him to go see a doctor. He lived 6 hours away so it was already difficult. I got a phone call saying that he had stage 4 pancreatic and liver cancer. Since this was during the school year, it was hard to see him, every friday after school i would drive those 6 hours. And every sunday i would drive 6 hours to go to school the next morning. I was always terrified for the phone call during class, the one where he passed and i wasnt there. He kept getting worse and i couldnt handle seeing him die a little more every weekend. He lasted just barely 3 months. And i held his hand as he was dying. It pained me so much to see how much pain he was in. He could not talk the last few weeks, so i described the day to him. His last words were, “I love you all.” After that, he was physically still going, but he was mentally done. I was okay after the fact but now it is really hitting me hard. I already have PTSD from abuse, and this certainly does not help. I can picture it so vividly, i almost wonder if i did get PTSD from this.
Sorry this is so long, i just needed to vent. I do have a therapist, sometimes it is easier to do so online than in person. Thank you
Thank you for sharing Katherine, and hope you are progressing in your treatment.
In 2013 I watched my father die, he was in the hospital but even though there was not a DNR they did nothing & I watched him choke on his blood & turn blue & die. The following year I unexpectedly lost my sister, she was 20 months older then me & my best friend. Exactly 5 weeks later my husband died, he had been ill for some time but you are never prepared. Two months later I got hurt at work (September) they pulled me off my job in March & right after my step son took his own life & then I had to put my little dog down ( he was almost 19 yrs old). For the past few year I’ve been holding my breath waiting for the other shoe to drop.. I wish I still had my job but they let me go, where I live wont let me get another dog & I just do not know what to do or how to start over. I most likely will not send this because I do not like putting my info on the internet but I am hopping just writing it down will help.. I haven’t even been able to clear out my husbands room , I just can not get motivated, between the physical pain & not having anyone to talk to, ever one is too busy… I would never take my own life , I just do not know how to get moving, I do not know how to start over .. I am not a old 65, most people do not think I am that age & I sure do not feel like it …. Id love any & all in put
Dear K T, wow- I’m sorry for all your losses. But somehow, you chose to move forward. Brave of you to share, and hope you will find others who can share their experiences with you to begin to heal.
My boyfriend watched his dad get shot and killed almost three years ago by his best friend for the drugs in his pocket. I was not with him at the time so I feel I do not understand and cannot support him as well as I would like to be able to. He and his mother lived with her boyfriend for a while and every day he would tell my boyfriend that he couldn’t protect his father and that he is useless, which absolutely breaks my heart. When you hear these things so often you begin to believe them. Every night has had the same nightmare where he replays the incident, and he tries to protect his father but cannot, then looks down at him and wakes up. I don’t know how to help him. 🙁
He most likely has PTSD…he needs treatment…please have him see his doctor for a referral to a psychiatrist.
Both of my Parents passed from cancer 9 months apart. I was their caretaker. I watched them both suffer before they died at home with me beside them. I keep having flashbacks to the time they died and the minutes, hours and days leading to their passing. It is quite overwhelming, like I am reliving it all over again. I can’t tell you what sets it off as they come without warning. I cannot get those images out of my head. After Mom passed I watched my Dad cry daily for her. I watched my Dad, with sheer horror on his face, realize that he was going to die. My heart breaks for them. I feel like an orphan at 51 years old. I sob just like the day they left me, it scares me. It hurts so bad. I feel like I am losing my mind. I will cry anywhere, at work, the store, you name it. I was the only caretaker, except for hospice. I feel so alone.
Dear Linda, sorry for your loss. But you may be experiencing depression with PTSD, so please see your doctor for a referral to a psychiatrist, as you likely need treatment.
So, back in May 2015, my husband, super healthy, was in a race…the Boldersash. My twin sons and I witnessed all the stages of a massive heart attack, including running out onto the field to call for help. I am looking for a support group where their (thankfully) loved one survived “the widow maker”. I don’t know anyone who can truly empathize what I habe witnessed or what II e with, alone in my thoughts and experiences….to talk to.
Sorry about my misspellings.
No worries.
Sorry for your loss…I hope you find a support group.
How do I help my daughter and her boyfriend cope with witnessing the boyfriends brother die in a tragic accident? I don’t even know what happened, as she can’t talk about it. I feel helpless and don’t know where to start. They acknowledge they will need therapy, but aren’t ready to talk about it. The death occurred 3 days ago. What can I do now?
Give them some space, and respect their wishes for now. Just reassure and give support, unconditionally.
I am unsure of what to do, my SSRI has already been doubled, I don’t think my doctor wants to continue Vistaril as I was given a small amount with no refills and I feel like I will be looked at negatively for asking for a refill of it but nighttime is the worst for me. My sister passed away beginning of March and I was with her when she died. It was very unexpected, she had been sick but was being transferred to another facility as a step down. She transferred fine but coded once she was placed in the bed at the new hospital. I was with her mom and I’m in the medical field so I knew what was happening and we were allowed to go see her after she coded a second time and then I could see the hustle n bustle starting and her vitals going down so I told her mom we needed to leave and basically shoved her out because I didn’t want her to see them doing CPR on her which was about to happen. After coding the third time her mom and I were called back to a room and they asked if she could be DNR her Mom turned and asked me what I thought and I told her I couldn’t make that decision for her. I told her to go smoke we’d talk about it and she could decide, we stepped outside and got the call to come back. The dr said that he could keep trying but she would keep crashing and her mom decided to let her pass. We went to the room they took her off life support and I had to watch her die, knowing she was aware because her mom kissed her and said she loved her and I watched her heart rate rise momentarily from its steadily declining pace. I watched her TOD be called, I had to call and arrange a funeral home to get her, I had to almost completely plan her entire funeral myself….she had 4 other siblings all the while I am dealing with it by myself because our brother and sister we shared wouldnt talk to me and my husband is deployed. We weren’t really sisters but we shared a brother and sister and were very close growing up because our siblings were so much older than us and we were only 3 months apart. I’m just so confused about how to feel or act because I get treated like I don’t matter because I wasn’t her real sibling.
Dear Danielle, sorry for your loss, and enduring this loss without the support of your family. I suggest you find a therapist that can help you with this Danielle.
I struggle everyday with my ptsd from the death of my husband on Sept. 19, 2017. My son 9 at the time, my husband 42, and myself 33, were watching tv after a long day, and I had kind of drifted off. My son woke me up asking me if I was snoring and I said no. I called my husbands name a couple of times and he would respond so I rolled him over on his back. His jaws were clinched and it appeared he was having a seizer. I took a nursing class in high for school so I took the palm of my hand and kind of rubbed him on his chest to stimulate him and said “Baby try to relax I think your having a seizer.” I instructed my son to call 911. He couldn’t find the phone at that moment. So I helped find it. I called 911 and no sooner as I get on the phone with them he quits making any noise at all. I really knew something was wrong! I start panicking and put my head on his chest and didn’t hear a heart beat. I couldn’t talk to the 911 operater, my son had to. I started CPR, but wasn’t getting a good compression on the bed so I had to pull him to the floor. Which wasn’t easy at all. I weight 120 lbs. and he weight 210. I did CPR until the paramedics arrived, which took forever and was probably about 30 mins or longer. I was soaking wet from head to toe because its not a easy job doing CPR for that long of a time and kept on telling my son to tell them to hurry I was running out of energy and he was turning blue, but I couldn’t stop trying.. I wasn’t able to ever get his heart to beat and once the paramedics arrived they worked on him for an hour and they couldn’t get it to start beating either. I wanted so badly to save him, it just wasn’t enough. His Time of Death was 9:09 pm. Because of his age and no prior illnesses a autopsy was done. His cause of death was heart disease, the underlining condition a enlarged heart.. I know in my heart I did everything I could, and the medical examiner said he was probably gone before I got him on the floor. I’ve done therapy and on medicine still to this day. I still second guess myself everyday and replay it in my mind trying to figure out what I did wrong and why couldn’t I save him. Not only did I witness everything my son did to. He has PTSD as well and as a mother I feel like I failed them both. My husband for not being able to save him and my son for seeing everything. My son is doing a lot better now but I had to sell my house because neither one of us could stay there anymore. Our whole world got turned upside down. What more can I do to try to ease my pain and guilt? Does it ever get easier? I feel like I stuck in limbo and the repeat button is on. My family don’t understand and say I just have to let it go, but how do you do that?
Sorry for your loss Bobbi. You’ve done therapy, and on medications. Have you considered seeing a psychiatrist? There are effective treatments for PTSD, and a psychiatrist should be able to help you. A support group would also be helpful.
It has been 2 years since my mom passed away after a 21 year battle with Parkinson’s disease. I have to say that the hospice center was absolutely wonderful to our entire family. I thought since I suffer from depression, that I wouldn’t be able to cope with her death. Yes, there are days where it’s still sad, but somehow I also have peace. I keep thinking I’m going to break down, yet I haven’t. I guess it’s because I know mom is at peace now.
Sorry for your loss, and thanks for sharing.